Monday, December 15, 2014

Reviews for the Week of December 15, 2014

NOTE: Please see bottom of main page for submission info. Thank you.




JAZZ AGE CTHULHU by Jennifer Brozek, A.D. Cahill,  and Orrin Grey (2015 Innsmouth Free Press / 109 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

The intro to this snazzy little number mentions the odd comparative rarity of the novella these days, which is a shame because some things should never go out of style. Books like this give good reasons why, three good reasons from three fine writers.

“Dreams of a Thousand Young” by Jennifer Brozek kicks it off strong, as a very proper British heiress living abroad in Assam wakes to find a strange man in her room. Dead. Bloody. And herself naked, with suspicious bruises but no memory of the preceding events. What follows is a delicate balancing act of trying to preserve her reputation while uncovering the truth. As the mystery unravels, she finds herself drawn into a conspiracy of cults, sex, murder and dark magic.

Next up is Orrin Grey’s “The Lesser Keys,” shifting the scene to a hoppin’ and happenin’ roadhouse outside of Kansas City. A Chicago club owner has sent an envoy to try and recruit the band, but the envoy suspects it’s going to be a lot more challenging than just making the better monetary offer. Meanwhile, a young lady searching for her missing brother finds the trail leads to the same roadhouse, and that whatever weirdness is going on there is about to hit its peak.

“Pomptina Sum” by A.D. Cahill wraps things up with a trip to Italy, as a grifter assumes a new identity to try his luck finding patrons among the wealthy of a quaint little island. He soon discovers that he not only has competition, but that the island and its inhabitants are not at all what they seem. Forget maintaining his cover; he’ll be lucky to escape with his life … not to mention his sanity and soul.

All three are gripping, well-done reads. Besides, I enjoy themed anthologies, I enjoy Lovecraftian tales, and I enjoy the era in question … that’s three MORE reasons. If that’s not enough, well then, I don’t know what else to tell ya.

-Christine Morgan





GHOST CHANT by Gina Ranalli (2014 Grindhouse Press / 90  pp / trade paperback)

Despite having a new boyfriend, Cherie Drew is still mourning the death of her husband. She's also having issues with a little girl named Maggie who lives across the street. It seems Maggie likes to play in her yard and doesn't respond when Cherie tries to talk to her. One night while alone in the house, Cherie even finds Maggie hanging out in her basement, and events begin to snowball that Cherie could've never forseen.

A spooky study of a woman dealing with grief and inner demons, of dark family secrets and paranoia, GHOST CHANT is a quick, intense, and satisfying journey into human darkness that I consumed in one sitting.


-Nick Cato




CRIPPLE WOLF by Jeff Burk (2011 Eraserhead Press / 152 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

A bit late to the party on this one, as I piceked it up at the most recent BizarroCon in my ongoing effort to complete my library. An impossible goal, perhaps, but a worthy one I’m enjoying for its own sake. Jeff Burk’s energy and enthusiasm comes across in everything he does, so his writing is no different.

This collection of tales is just fun throughout, swirling weirdness and horror and humor into unexpected (and sometimes inappropriate, even better!) combinations.

For instance, cherished holiday cartoon/carol memories will be forever tarnished by “Frosty and the Full Monty,” in which a certain happy jolly soul ends up down on his luck and having to resort to desperate measures. Pure as the driven snow? Not so much, anymore.

Or witness the title story, which seems simultaneously shocking in its political incorrect offensiveness, but also … well … a good point really, something to think about … what WOULD happen if a paraplegic contracted lycanthropy? On a transoceanic red-eye flight during the full moon? With a planeful of fetishists, kinksters and punks?

I particularly got a kick out of “Cook For Your Life,” a dystopian futuristic take on cooking competition shows. It’s Iron Chef meets Battle Royale, with some clowns and robots and gorillas thrown in. Chefs aren’t just in it for prize money and bragging rights; grim fates await those who get eliminated each round! And as entertaining as the story itself is, you will NOT want to miss the commercial breaks!

The others in this book include the disturbing “House of Cats” (of all the things to choose as construction materials!), the funny-as-hell but also strangely touching “Punk Rock Nursing Home” (it could happen!), “Just Another Day in the Park” for a bit of surreal philosophizing, and “Adrift With Space Badgers” for (what else?) maddened and destructive badgers in space!

-Christine Morgan



THE HORROR FICTION REVIEW WISHES YOU A HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON AND A GREAT NEW YEAR. SEE YOU IN 2015...

Monday, December 8, 2014

Reviews for the Week of December 8, 2014

NOTE: Please see bottom of main page for submission information. Thank you.




SINNERS CIRCLE by Karina Sims (2014 Dark Hall Press  / 147 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

With the holidays just around the corner you might want to stop reading this now and look elsewhere. If you’re searching for happy puppy dog kisses and stuffed animals you might want to go that-a-way as well. But, if you’re sticking around for the blood and guts party and just happen to be in the market for a gruesome, witty debut horror novel with enough rough sex for days, then you just may happen to be in the right place.

SINNERS CIRCLE by Karina Sims is a great and innovative read. It's packed with the right amount of raw materials, brutality, pornography, and dry humor for all of your extreme horror and dark fiction needs. Sims somehow manages to create a book that borders and blurs the lines of psychological and personal horror to the point where it’s easy to forget you’re reading a debut novel in the first place. This one will pull you in and make sure you stick around for a while. At one point I felt like I was holding a literary equivalent to the film Hostel, but with slightly more emotion and a lot more girl on girl action than found in the opening scenes of the flick.  

Sadistic serial killers, porn shops, drug use, violence, this book has it all. This is a great and brutal addition to the world of Horror and Dark Fiction from a new voice. I think it’d be safe to say to watch out for this one folks! Especially during the dark hours at night.

-Jon R. Meyers





IN THE END, ONLY DARKNESS by Monica O’Rourke (2014 Deadite Press / 232 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

You know, I am always astounded at athletes who will take some brutal hit, some agony-of-defeat type of spill, but pop back up and go on with it, never mind the jagged jutting bone ends and trailing strings of gristle hanging out of their wounds. I cannot believe any sane person would willingly subject themselves to such punishment … the drive to compete, to win, to stay in the game, can only go SO far, folks, really, c’mon.

Then I get a new Monica O’Rourke book and I find myself doing the psychic equivalent of the same damn thing.

Again. Over and over. I never learn. I even, in some sick masochistic way, enjoy the torture. It’s torn ligaments, and dislocated joints of the mind. Plus, I think I pulled whatever muscles control flinching and cringing.

She is vicious. Wrath James White’s intro to this collection warns you. He is a hundred percent correct on all points, from her razor-like precision of prose to the wicked little smiling gleam in her eyes. This is some next-level (bleep) right here.

Do NOT be fooled because it starts off with a couple of poems! Do NOT be one of those people who dismisses poems as frou-frou. They are powerful, effective, and somehow all the creepier because of the spareness of form.

But, if it’s denser, detailed narrative you crave, you’ll find plenty of that too (and might regret it!) Several of these stories will have you crossing your legs or pressing your knees together, no matter what your personal anatomy. “Jasmine and Garlic,” “Asha” and “Attainable Beauty” for the ladies, “Oral Mohel,” “Someone’s Sister” and “An Experiment in Human Nature” for the gents … equal opportunity screaming horror for the fun-bits.

There’s zombies, and babies, and zombie babies … child abuse and cannibalism … freaky fetishes, haunted revenge, hells on earth … just all kinds of evil goodness guaranteed to reduce the strongest spirit to a whimpering wreck.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I shall resume my usual post-Monica posture of rocking back and forth in the corner ...

-Christine Morgan



PREVIEW

OASIS OF THE DAMNED by Greg F. Gifune (to be released 12/9/14 by DarkFuse / 76 pp / eBook)

Former soldiers Owens and Richter find themselves in the Sahara desert. Both became lost during post-military jobs, and are now unable to find a way out of their isolated location.The only thing keeping them alive in the blistering heat is an abandoned outlook post that sits over a spring. The post also has edible military rations and a seemingly endless supply of functional (but old) weapons.

And that's a good thing, because when the sun goes down, shape-shifting creatures rise from the sand, looking to devour our protagonists the same way they did Owens' crew. And the more they learn about them, the more Owens and Richter struggle...


Despite taking place in the desert, OASIS OF THE DAMNED is a claustrophobic nightmare that's as psychologically grueling as it is physically. Gifune blends modern horror with a Twilight Zone feel and delivers an irresistible novella you'll rip through in one heart-pounding sitting. Intense stuff without being overly graphic.

-Nick Cato


PREVIEW:

TWISTED by Michaelbrent Collings (to be released 12/9/14 by Amazon Digital / 319 pp / eBook)

Those Victorians … so different from us … in their day, ruffled chair skirts were invented to keep those shocking bare furniture legs from display, and the term “stuffing” was considered too vulgar for polite dinner conversation (the things one randomly picks up during holiday season cooking shows). And yet, they were into that whole death photography thing, which strikes most of us these days as morbid to say the least.

Morbid to say the least, and even downright ghoulish when it involves children. Heck, some studio baby portraits are disturbing enough anyway, let alone with dead kids! I mean, okay, on the one hand I can understand it, the use of closure, the wanting something to remember them by, but …

Yeeeesh. And this book starts off with excerpts from a fictional case study of a photographer who was not content merely to pose his unfortunately young models, but ensure their steady supply. Against that historical specter, we have an ordinary modern family, Blake and Alyssa Douglas, their son Mal, and newborn Ruthie.

An ordinary family with ordinary worries – money, job security, a life-threatening neonatal crisis, the looming violent legacy of abuse – that then has to deal with even more extraordinary ones. Like the sudden, inexplicable crawling infestation from under Mal’s bed. It sends them fleeing to temporary lodgings while their home is fumigated, only to quickly discover that the new place is … not quite right.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a gorgeous house, available for rent at a bargain price, fully furnished with lovely antiques. If the grandfather clock’s ticking reverberates throughout … if the music box has a tendency to start playing for no reason … if objects disappear or reappear, or the occasional strange footstep is heard …

Well, it is only for a few days, right? And it’s not like they can afford a hotel. It’s not like they have many other options. Sure, it’s stressful; the whole situation is stressful, taking its toll on each of them. Some irritability, some personality changes, trouble sleeping, nightmares, these things happen. Nothing to get too worked up over.

Uh-huh. So they keep telling themselves, after Alyssa finds the photo album of the dead, after a courier delivers a package and then totally freaks out at something he sees. Nothing to get worked up over. So they keep telling themselves, until it’s too late.

Part ghost story and part history, part parental terrors made real and part paranormal activity, the resulting combination is all goosebump-raising nerve-squirming chills. Another solid winner from an author who’s yet to miss the mark.

-Christine Morgan

Monday, December 1, 2014

Reviews for the Week of December 1, 2014

NOTE: Please see bottom of main page for submission info. Thank you.




TRIBESMEN by Adam Cesare (2014 Deadite Press / 114 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

Oh, the 70’s … their legacy may never leave us … some things will be forever remembered … like disco … and the dawning heyday of trashy, tacky, boobs-and-blood shocksploitation horror movies! The stuff that paved the way for our current crop of cinematic tours-de-force such as the Hostel franchise, and made someone think that a reboot of “I Spit On Your Grave” was a good idea!

And especially those foreign films, the ones that could get away with depths of gore and depravity that might give even the seediest American studios pause. That’s where the premise of this book comes in.

Director Tito Bronze needs to work fast, with a shoestring cast and crew (not to mention budget) if he’s going to get his new ripoff of the latest Italian cannibal-slaughter epic into the theaters. To do so, he’s flying his team to a remote tropical island for location footage and unpaid extras.

Little does he, or do any of them, suspect what’s waiting for them on that island. Even the reader, who might be anticipating violent attacks by the natives, is in for a surprise. The terrible things that happened here started way before their plane drops them off, and all they find at first is an empty village and a mass open grave.

Ordinary, sensible people would leave at that point. But, the plane won’t be back for a few days … and there’s still a movie to be made. They might as well improvise and make the best of their time, right?

Right. Until the curse that’s already taken its toll here goes to work on them. Until they get even more realistic cannibal-slaughter than the best special effects can provide. Until they have all they can do just to survive, even as their director is determined to keep the cameras rolling.

The result is a fast, fun read, as garish and brutal as its inspirational source material. It’s rife with racism and sexism and political incorrectness, too.

So, now, when does this book written about movie-making get made into a movie?

-Christine Morgan


PREVIEW:

DARK SCREAMS, VOLUME ONE edited by Brian James Freeman and Richard Chizmar (to be released 12/8/14 by Cemetery Dance Publications / 88 pp / eBook and audiobook)

Cemetery Dance has published many excellent novels, collections, and anthologies since they began publishing in 1992. This anthology of short stories by some of CD’s best authors is no exception.

Included is horror legend Stephen King’s story “Weeds,” which was turned into a segment in the 1982 movie “Creepshow” (retitled “The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill”). The original story is much darker and creepier than the movie segment, which was more dark comedy than horror. It’s early King at his best.

“The Price You Pay” by Kelley Armstrong begins with a girls’ night out, but descends into murder, stalking, and lots of twists and turns. It’s more a mystery than straight-out horror, and reminded me of the old Coen Brothers movie, “Blood Simple.” It’s a fun read with a satisfying ending.

Bill Pronzini’s “Magic Eyes” takes place in an insane asylum, with a patient writing in his journal about why he was accused of murdering his wife, but tries to explain that isn’t what really happened. He seems crazy throughout, but maybe there’s a chance he’s telling the truth. It’s up to the reader to interpret the end. It’s a familiar plot, but Bill Pronzini is a great author, and does a great job with it.

“Murder in Chains” by Simon Clark puts a man in a bizarre and terrifying situation – he is chained to a huge man by their necks in an underground viaduct. The man doesn’t know how he got there, but knows he needs to fight for his life, which means killing the “goliath.” While he ponders his predicament, he realizes there are other people in the viaduct, also shackled with no memory of how they got there. This is a bloody, action-packed story that kept me riveted.

Ramsey Campbell’s “The Watched” is about a young boy tasked with keeping tabs on his neighbors’ comings and goings by a threatening cop whose daughter was killed by the drug dealers living there. Stressed by this, the boy is eventually told by a teacher that the cop drank and drove, and is no longer living. Yet he is still being watched, and knows he still needs to watch the neighbors’ house and let the lurker know when there is a drug deal happening. This was a creepy little story with a great ending.

DARK SCREAMS, VOLUME is a fantastic anthology, and I’m looking forward to reading more of them in the future.


-Sheri White




HAUNTED FUCKING by Philip LoPresti (2013-14 Dynatox Ministries / 37 pp / trade paperback)

I haven't read or reviewed a book of poetry for this zine in quite some time, but LoPresti's nose-dive into the abyss of despair peaked my interest, and the thirty "spasms" on display here are as dark as they are bizarre.

By the time I was halfway through this collection of sex and violence-filled verse, I felt like I had entered a satanic beatnik's club, and by the time I finished, I became convinced of two things: 1) Philip LoPresti is one sick bastard, and 2) He is a sick bastard who is able to keep this non-poetry fan glued to the pages, which is good because I immediately followed this with ...



I AM SUICICE by Philip LoPresti (2014 Dynatox Ministries / 63 pp / chapbook)

Where to begin with LoPresti's second offering of blasphemous expressions? This volume reads as if it were written by an excommunicated altar boy on a verbal-killing spree. Just check out the first lines of the opening selection:

"Unfrocked priests form circles
around the newly dead.
Their fingers incite a riot
inside the dessicated parts;"

And this is only the tip of the iceberg in what turns out to be a hellish assault of anti-religion, anti-society, and anti-life musings that at times had me cringing and praying for the author's soul ... although that's kind of pointless as he obviously lost it a long time ago.

This is extreme stuff, folks, and not to be read at your local coffee house's open mic poetry night ... unless you want them hauling you away in a straight jacket. You've been warned.

-Nick Cato



PREVIEW:

TIME OF DEATH: ASYLUM by Shana Festa (to be released 12/9/14 by Permuted Press / 267 pp / eBook)

The second in this sassypants series (think Janet Evanovich writing episodes of The Walking Dead) continues following the struggles of nursing student Emma, her husband Jake, and their little dog Daphne to survive the zombie apocalypse.

It is, and I warned the author I’d have to say so, just about the poopiest book I’ve ever read. All those times we’ve complained that fictional characters never seem to have to take potty breaks? Made up for here and then some. Many crucial scenes revolve around having to take the doggie for a tinkle or a poo, and quite a few of the rest revolve around humans needing to do the same. Getting caught with your pants down by zombies has gotta be about the worst. Also, dogfarts as a deadly weapon, and whether the etiquette of scooping applies even in end-of-the-world situations.

In addition to all that, these are simultaneously the luckiest and unluckiest people you’ll ever find. For every wild deus-ex-machina coincidence or rescue, there’s at least one corresponding what-are-the-odds disaster.

The last book saw them seeking and losing various refuges, finally ending up on a houseboat … but even that proves not to be safe or ideal. It proves not to be safe or ideal BEFORE it gets rammed by a zombie yacht, forcing Emma and Company to go back to land. Some harrowing escapades later, they learn of a secure community called Asylum and make for it.

Naturally, it’s one of those too-good-to-be-true scenarios. A stoic loner warns them against it, but won’t say why, but leads them there anyway. Their misgivings are reinforced at the first impressions. They should know better … they DO know better … but they still do it.

At some point in there, I found I’d lost a lot of sympathy for Emma. What had been a brash, kind of fun attitude turns bratty and obnoxious. She claims to be caring, loyal, friendly, dedicated … but comes off as an arrogant, selfish snot. As rotten as the Asylum people and their system are, I really found myself wishing she’d get bitten or thrown out already.

The story cliffhangs before then, just as Emma discovers some of the unsurprising dark secrets. So, I’ll have to wait for the next one, and I hope she goes back to being a more relatable and entertaining protagonist by then. I greatly enjoy the zingy, refreshing writing … but I’d prefer a main character I didn’t want to slap.

-Christine Morgan




GODDAMN ELECTRIC NIGHT byWilliam Pauley III (2014 Copeland Valley Press / 98 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

Goddamn Electric Nights by William Pauley III is a short story collection compiled of six absolutely out of this world tales. The book is exquisitely written, well executed, and simply a must for any fan of Horror, Science Fiction, Bizarro, or Weird Fiction alike. The author’s imagination and ability to realistically write this kind of romp is a feat and nothing short of admirable in itself. After all, this does seem to be what Copeland Valley Press is all about, while continuously publishing great fiction outside the box from day one, by writers who have proven to be extremely talented and fueled by some sort of genuine and overall original creativity. William Pauley III’s voice is one in a million and this book falls nothing short of the strength found in any of his work prior.

With stories such as Slime Night, Insection 8, The Spiders of Honeyville, Hypnagogia, $5 Electric Suzie, and Spin Doctors Mixtape, the author gives us enough weird to be well on our way into the mouth of madness. Including but not limited to kind acts of snorting red fire ants, cockroaches and razors, hatched egg sacks, an alley cat on skid row, and just a little bit too much radiation in the walls. So, go ahead and sit back, drink a couple beers, plug in the shop vac, and aim it up towards the goddamn sky as you enjoy a book unlike any you’ve read before.

-Jon R. Meyers




THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE by Adam Millard (2014 Crowded Quarantine Publications / 115 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

Yes, it is what you’re thinking. Yes, someone really went and did it. Yes, your childhood will be ruined (again, if it has already). Those Rankin-Bass wooden puppet holiday specials … um yeah … especially the one with the hot redhead schoolteacher …

This is not, however, a jolly Santa. This is a Santa that his own elves refer to – sometimes not even in private – as ‘The Fat Bastard.’ Not undeservedly, either. He’s a selfish, foul-mouthed, slovenly, slave-driving, credit-hogging jerk more interested in brandy and mince pies than his sexy, eager wife.

An elf’s life isn’t so jolly either. Centuries of forced labor, no wages, no vacations, mandatory eggnog, no credit, nonstop carols … the constant threat of being replaced by cheaper foreign elves and sent to work in the human realm as a fantasy movie extra … the only perk is in the buxom form of Mrs. Claus, whose considerable needs may go neglected by her hubby, but who’s got a special fondness for elves.

Things are also behind schedule this year, thanks to a freak blizzard, which means extra shifts around the clock. Something goes wrong EVERY year, it seems like. Is it any wonder that dissatisfaction is brewing at the North Pole?

When the first few elves go missing, followed by that most famous reindeer, elf-foreman Finklefoot finds himself given the additional duties of tracking them down. It soon becomes clear that they’re not just lost or hiding out to shirk work. Someone’s abducted them, someone with a particular grudge and a particular plan.

Finklefoot is forced to confront Santa’s former companions, those darker-side-of-Christmas characters in charge of coal and naughty children, but by the time he figures out who’s behind the disappearances, it’s too late. The horror that is the Human Santapede is about to be unleashed. If, that is, its creator can get people to shut up about the misnomer, or brackets … nobody has any respect, any appreciation for brilliance …

This book is every bit the totally irreverent, offensive, obscene masterpiece of holiday hilarity you might expect … with political incorrectness and several vicious cultural jabs thrown in. I read it in a single sitting, laughed out loud several times, and the rest of the family absolutely REFUSED to let me share any excerpts.

-Christine Morgan

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Monday, November 24, 2014

Reviews for the Week of November 24, 2014

NOTE: Please see bottom of main page for submission info. Thank you.



AT HELL'S GATES (VOL. 1) edited by Monique Happy and James Crawford (2014 CreateSpace / 324 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

The first in a projected series of anthologies to benefit the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund (https://www.fallenheroesfund.org/), a worthy cause in support of members of the armed services and their families. For this volume, seventeen authors teamed up to contribute short stories set in or tied to their other works.

I love stuff like that! When it’s connecting to a book or series I’ve already read, it’s like a bonus feature … and if it’s a fictional universe with which I’m unfamiliar, it’s a great way to sample tantalizing introductions. The only downside, if it can be considered a downside, is that I then end up with a list of new stuff to add to my TBR (oh drat!).

In this one, the majority are zombie apocalypse stories, several different and fun takes on them. Just when I was starting to wonder if it was all zombies, some demons, ghosts, vampires, and more everyday evils began making their appearances.

My absolute stand-out favorite of the bunch has to be Stephen Kozeniewski’s “Exploding S*** Zombies.” Set in the same world of his fun Ghoul Archipelago (see my previous review), it is every bit the outrageous gory hilarity you might expect from the title. But, really, if zombies just eat and eat and eat, eventually something’s gotta give …

Some others that I particularly enjoyed include:

Jacqueline Druga’s “The Husband,” which might just resonate a little too strongly for those frustrated members of inequal partnerships, who’ve just finally had enough. I’m reminded of some quote or other about long-time marrieds who, asked if they’d ever thought of divorce, replied with, “Divorce? Never. Murder? Every day.”

Frank Tayell’s “Undead Britian” turned out to be a much more haunting and intimate tale of family survival than I first expected, as a woman on a mission a year after the outbreak flashes back to memories of how she got where she is, and why she has to do what she has to do.

“Ollie Ollie Oxen Free” by Shana Festa shows another facet of the story in her first Time of Death book, Induction (another I’ve previously reviewed). That one opens with a couple of nursing students at the hospital where things go wrong, then follows the adventures of one of them; this story answers the questions of what ever happened to the other.

Paul Mannering’s “Princess and the Flea” is perhaps the most purely sinister and unsettling of the bunch, in a far-future setting some 200 years after the zombies took over, as the survivors have turned to some desperate methods of farming and tending their herds.

“Hour of the Beast,” by J.M. Martin, is a nicely done dark fantasy tale, a non-Earth setting but with classic and timeless elements of love and betrayal, immersed in a sort of moody gothic old-fashioned feel.

I will definitely be watching for future installments in this anthology series, and keeping an eye out for more from these folks!

-Christine Morgan


NO ONE IS SLEEPING IN THIS WORLD by Christopher Slatsky (2014 Dunhams Manor Press / 21 pp / chapbook)

Julia & her boyfriend are filming a documentary on the architecture of the Alexei Building, which is located on the seedy side of town. And before they even enter, it's apparent they're in for much more than they bargained for.

Slatsky's Lovecraftian yarn reads like a compact version of Simon Clark's 2005 novel THE TOWER, and while it's nothing groundbreaking, it's a quick, satisfying, well written read.


-Nick Cato


WORM JOB by M.T. Granberry (2014 Eraserhead Press / 96 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

I’d been planning to pick this book up at Bizarro Con from the moment I saw it, and did so as soon as I had the chance. This was before I heard the author’s excellent performance – not a reading, but an evangelical sensation! – and even before I’d tried out half a glass of the special-brew cider in its honor (half a glass only because I am a total lightweight and wimp).

Well, and after those added experiences, I was all the more eager to plunge into this tale of squirming canyonesque cleavage! How could you not? Look at that cover; is that the tackiest or what? This is some pure, unabashed, crazy sleazy fun right here!

And let me tell you, folks, it more than exceeded my expectations! Those cups did not stop at merely runnething over … those cups weren’t even cups for long, but became soup tureens, then punchbowls that runneth over … from gazongas to megazongas of doom.

Filled with live worms. Forget those stupid must-increase-my-bust exercise girls did in middle school when I was young. Forget implants of saline or silicon. Worms are the way to go, injectable colonies of them that feed on fat as they make mountains out of molehills. (side note: fat-eating worms? as with Wrath James White’s Voracious, I gotta admit there’d be a degree of temptation ...)

Shari, flat-shamed for as long as she can remember, is only too eager to undergo the treatment. Soon, she has all she ever wanted, and more. What she earns as a stripper now can easily cover the custom-made clothes and other required adjustments to her life. She even meets a new guy, for whose sake she’ll tinker with her worm-control medication to make all his dreams come true.

Bad idea. Worse idea because, unbeknownst to Shari, one of the worms in her heaving, swelling engorged endowments is not like the others. One worm is different. Angry. Hungry. And growing.

Before long, Shari is lopsided to say the least. Her wormy bosom is on a rampage, and when she seeks help at the fancy clinic where it all started, she and her vengeful passenger discover that they do all kinds of other procedures there at AUGMENTA BIOLOGICALS.

A definite hoot about infinite hooters, this may not be one to leave sitting out if you’re expecting normal respectable company over. It’s also quite the cautionary tale … few of us may ever be satisfied with our looks, but, sometimes you really can go too far. And the point when you need a cart to trundle your own chest along, that’s probably a little too far.

-Christine Morgan

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Reviews for the Week of November 17, 2014

NOTE: Please see bottom of main page for submission info. Thank you.



SAPIENT FARM by Querus Abuttu (2014 Scary Dairy Press / 392 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

A secret project to engineer super-mutant pig people? Moral conflicts blurring the lines between what constitutes cannibalism, bestiality, and both? Working through the Mad Scientist checklist of no-nos, creating something more powerful/intelligent than us, thinking things won’t get out of control, even experimenting on oneself?

Even had I not been privileged to experience several of the author’s stellar performances at various convention Gross-Outs, Showdowns and such, I would have been all over this book. With what I already knew of her talents, I expected nothing less than brilliance from the phenomenal Q … and she did not disappoint.

The story begins with a difficult birthing, a sow’s litter of unusual offspring. Some are stillborn, others don’t live more than a few minutes, and it’s looking bad for the project. But, finally, the miracle twins are born. Unfortunately – for the scientists and their funding backers – disaster soon wipes out most of the notes and data, and the results might be impossible to replicate.

The siblings prove to be uncannily advanced for their age, maturing rapidly, demonstrating incredible intelligence and understanding. Soon, Gevu, the male, shows signs of outpacing his sister Binah in size and aggression. He also has quite the non-vegetarian appetite. Binah, however, develops early in other ways … ways that take an awkward turn with her mating options somewhat limited.

There are, of course, various factions at work behind the scenes. Some have medical motives, some have even more sinister ones, secrets are being kept on all sides, and then there’s those who are just out to get a profit.

What follows is a headlong rush of thrills and chills, conspiracies, betrayals, plots and counter-plots … plus truckloads of sex and violence, and looming doomsday triple-threats.

If I have any quibbles with this book, it’s that the romance storyline seems a little neglected; I was waiting for some awkward reactions, conversations or confrontations following certain key scenes, and felt kind of let down when they didn’t exactly pan out.

Aside from that, though? The characters are wildly fun, believable, sympathetic and/or despicable. The writing is wildly skilled and inventive, with humor and horror and some hard-hitting uncomfortable questions about what it means to be human.

-Christine Morgan



REVIVAL by Stephen King (2014 Scribner / 405 pp / hardcover, eBook, and audio book)

When I first read the synopsis of King's latest novel, I had expected something along the lines of Bentley Little's THE REVELATION or Richard Laymon's RESURRECTION DREAMS. And while REVIVAL does deal with religion and an underground scientist, it's nothing like either novel. 

In 1962, six year-old Jamie Morton meets his town's new preacher, a young-looking man who everyone quickly likes. The Rev. Charles Jacobs also has the unique ability to heal people, but not like your average everyday charismatic con man: he uses his love for science and electricity and even manages to help Jamie's older brother get his lost voice back. But when the Rev. Charles Jacobs' wife and son are suddenly killed in a car accident, he preaches a final sermon that has him banished from the local Methodist church, leaving everyone wondering if he'll ever get over the loss of his family.

Some years later, Jamie makes his living playing rhytym guitar in various bands, and he eventually meets up with Charles again, only this time the former minister is working his electric-magic at a carnival side show. And they meet yet again years later when he goes back into the ministry as a Peter Popoff-type faith healer, using his bag of electrical tricks. After Jacobs goes missing for a while, Jamie receives an urgent letter from him, claiming he needs his help and that he might be able to heal a former girlfriend who is suffering from cancer.

REVIVAL follows the lives of these two men from the1960s up to the present. We watch Jamie go from innocent youth to drug addicted musician to a senior with a heart of gold. Jacobs starts as a good-natured man who becomes a Frankenstein-meets-Carnie-meets-fallen preacher type who will do whatever is necessary to discover the mystery of what waits for us on the other side, and in the glimpses given it's not too pretty. During the suspense-filled finale, King ratchets his Lovecraft up to 11, yet the tale doesn't fall into what would be considered "mythos" lit even with the Old Ones being mentioned.

With side characters as interesting as the main cast and plenty of emotional and spiritual tension, REVIVAL might not be for all tastes (it's more a look at the baby boomer generation than a horror novel), but when the dark side is finally unleashed, King brings the goods and even delivers one of his darkest conclusions. One of his better recent titles and a thoroughly satisfying read.

-Nick Cato



DEADTOWN ABBEY BY Sean Hoade (2013 CreateSpace / 296 pp / trade paperback)

The instant I learned of this book, all other thoughts went out of my mind and I had to have it, had to read it, had to see if it was as delightful a romp as I dared to hope. And was it ever! Before the story even started, simply reading the cast list at the beginning, I was cackling with maniacal fangirl glee.

The cackling continued and intensified throughout the read. It’s a witty parallel parody of Downton Abbey, of course – and so spot-on that I heard the character voices clear as if I were yet again re-watching the series.

But it’s more than that. Much, much more. This is none of your cheatsy take-a-classic-and-just-add-zombies, oh no. This is a clever alt-history in which the lower classes still worship certain older deities, while the upper class elite follow the proper church … in which the sinking of the Titanic was due to nothing so simple as an iceberg … and the Great War is against a far worse foe than Germany.

This is also the story of the Shambley family, who face many trials and tribulations. Not only has the lord’s cousin and heir been lost at sea, putting some distant relation in line for the title (a stranger, and a pasty writer of occult thrillers, no less!), but the eldest Shambley daughter is at risk of vampiric seduction, the younger is developing some radical ideas about religion, and the middlemost’s unfortunate features give her just the most dreadful time in the romance department.

The household could never function without its capable, loyal staff, either. But what is a dedicated butler to do when important dinners are disrupted by werewolves running amok? How are they to cope with a young footman who comes home from battle badly damaged in body and mind? And never mind His Lordship’s crippled valet; the bigger problem is how to properly coordinate evening dress when one must wear special headgear to ward off psychic attack?

So, yes, it’s Downton with zombies (the manor was once an abbey, after all; graves surround the place!) but it’s also Downton with Lovecraftian mythos and traditional supernatural monsters and deals with the devil.

Best of all, it’s written in a style that kept me cackling all the way through. Wink-wink references, cameos and guest appearances by familiar names and characters, an author-narration voice that’s great fun, summary chapters and footnotes, and … oh, GET THIS BOOK, IT’S AWESOME!!!

-Christine Morgan



Monday, November 10, 2014

Reviews for the Week of November 10, 2014

NOTE: Please see bottom of main page for submission info. Thank you.




EVERYONE HATES A HERO: A JOHNNY MIDNIGHT TALE by Gregory L. Hall (2014 Stygian Publications / 185 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

Johnny Midnight is the "Elvis of the Paranormal World," an X-Files-type investigator who, when not chasing zombies and demons, is taking gorgeous models to Hollywood premieres and partying like it's 1999.

After a hilarious opening roll in the hay with an Amish girlfriend (!), Johnny finds out his ex fiance is in trouble: she has a four year-old daughter he didn't know about, and something evil is harassing her. But before he can lend his paranormal expertise to the situation, he has to deal with a pesky chupacabra, a pissed off zombie, and a co-worker who continues to flirt with him by talking dirty into his ear that has been partially damaged by a pencil-wielding psycho.

HERO has a couple of scenes that had me laughing out loud (Chapter Twelve is absolutely hilarious). Hall balances the comedy and supernatural happenings quite well, making this novel an irresistable blend of genres. If you're a fan of the humorous horror thing, I'm happy to report this delivers both in bundles, and the pace is relentless (in a good way). There's even a nifty twist in the final two chapters, and a promise of more adventures to come.

With a great cast and plenty of cool creatures, EVERYONE HATES A HERO is a satisfying introduction to a funky, freaky, funny world I'm looking forward to visiting again.

-Nick Cato



THE GHOUL ARCHIPELAGO by Stephen Kozeniewski (2013 Severed Press / 362 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

Smugglers, drug cartels, exotic islands, renegade military vessels, pirates, religious fanatics, cannibalism, virtual-reality porn programs, political scheming, action, adventure, bloodshed, betrayal … this book would be jam-packed with excitement even without the zombie apocalypse going on!

But, it is! Which not only adds another layer of fun, but ties all the rest together into a cohesive package. In less capable hands, the large cast of characters and simultaneous but interweaving plot threads might get jumbled; here, it works smoothly and well.

In one corner, the opportunistic entrepreneurial businessman computer genius, who's invented the Sex Drive – a collar that taps into the nervous system to deliver ultimate immersive fantasy with a host of licensed celebrity images. His main concerns about the outbreak of the living dead have mainly to do with the possible impact on sales and delivery.

In the other, the evangelist who's taken his missionary work to a whole new level, and who sees the “Lazarenes” (great minds think alike, Mr. Kozeniewski!) as the new blessed, his flock. To help spread the gospel of what fast becomes a cult, he needs to strengthen and maintain his influence on the various scattered island communities.

And, cruising back and forth on the turbulent seas, are the various ships with their various allegiances. The chaotic collapse of civilization has left governments in shambles, chains of command disrupted. If might makes right, commanding an aircraft carrier makes a hefty amount of might … but then there's the converts, the shifting loyalties, stowaways, mercenaries, old grudges and fresh hatreds.

There's also plenty of drippy dismemberments, disembowelments, decapitations, and all the manner of gory good times one might reasonably expect from this combo of genres. High body count in vivid detail, quite a bit of clever humor, many good strong female characters even in what might seem like a natural testosterone-wallow, and some surprises to round it out.

All that said, it is a lot to keep track of and can make for something of a complicated read, requiring a bit of attention and work on the other side of the pages as well. Which I, for one, am in favor of!

-Christine Morgan




THE UNHINGED by David Bernstein (2014 Samhain Publishing / 205 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

Aaron Dupree is a young guy who has recently gotten out of prison after serving six years for a stupid incident as a teen. He is pulled over for speeding on his way to work one morning, and knows this could put him back on the inside. However, Aaron tries to talk his way out of a ticket and fine, hoping the cop would give him a break.

Aaron isn’t given a ticket, but has to promise the cop he will do him a favor when asked, or risk getting put back in jail. Reluctantly, Aaron makes the promise, and from that moment on, his life becomes pure hell.

As the favors asked of him escalate horrifically, Aaron tries to protect his mother and his girlfriend from harm. Eventually, though, Aaron is asked to do something he is unable to do, and discovers his mother and the dirty cop have met before. Together, they decide to stop the cop before he completely destroys Aaron and everything he’s worked for.

THE UNHINGED starts out as a basic rejected guy/stalker story, but becomes so much more than that. This is one of the most brutal stories I have ever read, and that’s saying a lot. The atrocities inflicted by the dirty cop and his partner – the man with the scar – are the worst things humans can do to one another. 

I’ve been reading David Bernstein’s works for a couple of years now, and was taken by completely surprise with this one. With THE UNHINGED, Bernstein has firmly established himself as one of the current crop of great horror writers, and especially in the sub-genre of Splatterpunk.

-Sheri White




DEATH WARP by MP Johnson (2014 Holy Mountain Outreach / 30 pp / chapbook)

Jillane,a transgender former porn star, is saved from getting a beating by Bradley, who we eventually learn is a former racist skinhead. When Bradley offers to drive her to see her long lost family, she begins to fall for him, but is afraid to let him know her personal secret.

On their trip, they have a strange encounter with a giant albino ass, then things get even weirder when they stop for help at an isolated farmhouse and meet an old woman whose empty eye socket just might be the door to another dimension.

Johnson has been on a roll lately and is becoming a best bet for those into bizarre tales that offer substance along with the odd goings-on. DEATH WARP is another wild offering that's a load of fun and way off the beaten path.

-Nick Cato



TOILET BABY by Shane McKenzie (2014 Eraserhead Press / 138 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

Remember that age-old myth / urban legend about how it's possible for a gal to get pregnant from a toilet seat? Well, what if it was the other way around? What if a guy could impregnate his toilet?

These are the kinds of questions that occur to some people. Some weird, weird people. People like Shane McKenzie. And, when such questions occur, there's nothing to be done for it but turn it into a most unforgettable book!

An oddly adorable, charming book, at that. An endearing, enduring family fable about acceptance, protectiveness, normality, the transformative powers of fatherly love … and toilet babies. Half-human, half-toilet, but kids nonetheless.

Grady, a lonely school custodian, is no stranger to cleaning up messes. Nor is he any stranger to toilets, until his own at home takes on a rounded bulge that doesn't seem possible for porcelain. His investigations online lead him to a website with a number to call but no other hints as to the problem. He calls, and before he knows what's happening, a plumber shows up to midwife the delivery.

The plumber is Herb, who has dedicated himself to finding and helping toilet babies and their hapless dads. Several of them live together, raising their children, and they welcome Grady and little Patty into their midst.

The best part of this twisted and brilliant book is the well-thought-out nature of the toilet babies themselves … their mix of features, their dietary needs (yes, it's just what you're thinking), their desire and struggle to fit in and be normal, and how that contrasts with their fathers' efforts to keep them safe and secret from those who might not understand.

The trouble with kids, though, as any parent knows, is that they grow up and start thinking they know more than they do. That's what happens when John, who's met a girl online and wants to meet her, ends up taking his toilet brothers and sisters on an adventure that goes terribly wrong.

It's like Joe Hill's fantastic and poignant tale, “Pop Art” … only, well, with toilet people instead of inflatable ones. With punny names, disgusting details, hilarity, humanity, and the strong likelihood that you'll feel uneasy about going to the bathroom for a while.

-Christine Morgan



THE BIG TREE by Rick Hautala (2014 Nightscape Press / 103 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

Set in 1960, this tells the tale of a young boy who, along with his family, rides out Hurricane Donna in his home, worrying if they'll survive and further worrying about a big old tree he and the neighborhood kids play on. His older brother Bobby bullies him and makes the time inside drag.

But during the first night of the hurricane, the young boy goes outside and swears he sees someone climbing on the tree despite the brutal weather. After his father brings him back inside, he discovers the tree has lost a huge branch, and wonders if their treehouse will survive the storm. It turns out the figure he thought he saw on the tree is actually a young girl named Sylvia, who claims the storm has left her homeless. And when the hurricane finally passes by, he finds her alone in the woods, in pain, and learns her odd connection to The Big Tree.

Along with a supernatural element, Hautala uses the young boy's dealings with his older brother to turn him into a man before our eyes, making this somewhat of a coming of age tale. Fans of the late author's subtle scare-style will be satisfied, and it's nice to have this final tale from one truly missed veteran of modern horror fiction. This edition includes heartfelt pre-and post notes from Christopher Golden and Thomas Monteleone.

-Nick Cato

Monday, November 3, 2014

Reviews for the Week of November 3, 2014

NOTE: Please see bottom of main page for submission info. Thank you.



PREVIEW:

PRISONER 489 by Joe Lansdale (to be released Nov. 18th 2014 by Dark Regions Press / trade paperback, 3 limited hardcover editions)

Ooh, an advance sneak peek at a new Joe Lansdale? Yes please! Sign me up! Judging by the Kickstarter campaign success, I’m not alone in being eager for this one to come out. And, now, I can safely say I don’t think anyone will be disappointed. 

An isolated island prison where the worst of the worst are held would make for a stressful enough place to work, and it’s no wonder most of the guards don’t re-up for another stint. But there’s another, smaller, even more isolated island where the executed criminals are buried, and that’s where Bernard, Wilson and Toggle serve as live-in caretakers. 

They dig the graves, bury the coffins, maintain the graveyard, and otherwise spend their time with books and movies. Except for occasional deliveries from the prison, they’re completely cut off from the outside world. 

Most of the time, a brief power flicker will tell them when the big job’s done, and they can get ready for the new arrival soon to be shipped their way. Every now and then, a particularly tenacious case requires an extra jolt of the juice, just to make sure, but even that’s not terribly unusual. 

Then comes the night that the power does more than flicker, and more than twice. When Kettle, the boatman, arrives with the cargo, he tells them that this one took four zaps … and they were still worried it might not have been enough. 

Bernard and his men would like to think it’s some kind of joke, especially once Kettle gets started telling them stories about how the prisoner never ate or slept. But, the chain-wrapped metal coffin seems a little excessive for a joke. They’re just glad to bury it and call it done, and go back to their routine. 

Their routine, as you might imagine, doesn’t last very long. Kettle wasn’t joking. The chains and coffin don’t hold. Whoever, or whatever, the prison tried to execute isn’t done for by a long shot. 

If armed guards and an electric chair couldn’t stop this thing, what hope do three guys on a tiny island have? With nowhere to hide, no way to leave, no chance to call for help? Prisoner 489, like a Terminator of the oldest old-school there is, can’t be bargained with, can’t be reasoned with, feels no pity, remorse or fear. 

In the midst of the high-tension pursuit and action, I couldn’t help but wonder … what else do they have over in that prison? What else is buried on the island? I want more! 

The story’s gripping and fantastic. The final product, once the book comes out in its illustrated glory, is sure to be a winner, and a definite keeper. Look for it this fall!

-Christine Morgan



NO SONGS FOR THE STARS by Mary SanGiovanni (2014 White Noise Press / 20 pp / limited edition chapbook)

Police Lt.'s Gina and Joe interrogate the stone-faced Owen over a series of child murders. He's guilty as sin, but claims he was following some writings left on the wall in a local crack house...and he swears the writing is from beings from different universes.

Gina and Joe decide to investigate the room in question, and begin to see what Owen was talking about.

Like most of SanGiovanni's shorts, this one is as creepy as it is thought provoking, and in White Noise Press tradition the tale is presented in an irresistible package.

-Nick Cato




DARK RISING by Vincenzo Bilof (2014 Severed Press / 190 pp / trade paperback & eBook) 

I had the opportunity to take a peek at a new jam from author Vincenzo Bilof. Now, before we get started let me just say this: the man can write. I’d be willing to say this with nothing but extreme confidence and zero regrets. He could probably sit down and write whatever genre he goddamn feels like. In the past we’ve seen a little Horror, Bizarro, Science Fiction, Zombies, some Poetry, some Japanese werewolves, and from everything I’ve read to date, the man delivers every single time. He’s just that good and versatile. With that being said, I was ecstatic to finally get my hands on a copy of this.

Within the first few pages our lines are cast out into the deep sea. We're instantly drawn into the story with a witty, clever, first person narrative, which somehow manages to gain depth while sucking you in at tide the more you read. The prose is often thick, delicate, poetic, and even acceptably vulgar at times (almost like the mouth of the murderer on board the ship with the crew). Or, perhaps the crazy, drunk Captain Whitmore, whose got more secrets lingering on the tip of his tongue than chunks of bad tuna. What I liked the most about this book was that it was written in a way where you have to really read what is going on, deciphering through clues in the dialogue as much as the context spun like a web in the back-story. When you put all the pieces of the puzzle together and solve the mystery rising in the dark, we’re left with a brilliantly woven masterpiece that was nothing more than a shit ton of fun to read.

So hang on to your hats and jackets because it might get a little bumpy on board the ship, as there is definitely something lurking out there in the deep blue sea. And it’s dark and it’s rising.

-Jon R. Meyers




COZZY'S QUESTION by Bob Booth & Matt Bechtel (2014 White Noise Press / 21 pp / limited edition chapbook)

Cozzy, a now homeless alley cat, is continually visited by a man who keeps asking her a question: "Do you want the world to end?" Cozzy communicates with the man by her thoughts, and he tells her that the world will indeed end if she so wishes it.

Bechtel gives us a bit of Cozzy's back story, and keeps the tale flowing quickly to a most satisfying conclusion. I'm sure the late Bob Booth would be happy with how this turned out, and I'm glad White Noise Press gave the tale a perfect home.

-Nick Cato




ANIMAL KINGDOM by Iain Rob Wright (2013 SalGad Publishing / 248 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

Having just finished editing an anthology of nature-running-amok stories, I was all warmed up and ready for more. A full novel in which all the animals on the planet suddenly snap and attack humanity sounded like just the ticket.

Not only do they snap, they smarten up and organize. The normal order of things is promptly tossed aside. Forget that old predator/prey structure. Even the gentle herbivores are predators now, and people are the prey.

It's a bad day to be anywhere with animals in the vicinity. At the park, on a farm, even home with the loving pets. It's a worse day to be, as Joe and his son Danny are, enjoying a visit to the zoo.

The first attack they witness is shocking and horrible enough to send Joe rushing to the visitor's center, looking for someone in authority or with answers. He's not alone; there's considerable panic breaking out. Far more than a single incident should account for. But that's because it IS far more than a single incident, a point made very clear when the lions show up.

Within minutes, the visitor's center is a scene of bloodsoaked death and carnage. Only a handful of survivors are able to escape to a more secure part of the building. Joe and Danny are among them, and what follows is a tense siege and standoff. No help is coming, supplies are limited, they're surrounded by an army of angry animals led by an intelligent and vengeful general.

And then, of course, there's each other. Frightened strangers thrown together into a situation where nobody's going to be at their best, they soon find themselves at odds. Personalities clash, disagreements turn vicious. If it was cooperation, rather than thumbs and fire, that let humans rise to the top of the food chain, then it's no wonder they're about to end up at the bottom.

The story's fast-paced and non-stop, fun, very readable even when it slips over a little into convenient coincidence, dubious science, and occasional moments of “oh come ON!” There are some bonus shorts at the back, other scenes of the animal apocalypse, which are evidently tied in with other works.

I was delighted to discover, upon investigation, that the author's not contented himself with just destroying the world once, but has done so several times in various ways. I'll have to be sure to snag some of those next!

-Christine Morgan





COFFEE AT MIDNIGHT by Brandon Ford (2014 BF Books / 177 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

I’ve read a lot of Brandon Ford’s work, and I have never been disappointed. Short fiction or long, his writing is great.

His newest collection isn’t strictly horror, but there are quite a few dark moments in these stories. Brandon takes ordinary people in ordinary situations and throws in twists and turns, showing the reader that anything can happen to any of us any time.

But Brandon takes it a step further and makes the reader laugh uncomfortably with the dark humor he weaves into these stories, even as the reader cringes in response to what is happening. There are also plenty of WTF moments, and maybe even a few of the stories will make a reader squirm with painful recognition or recollection of something similar he or she may have encountered in his or her past.

Brandon Ford doesn’t rely on blood and shock factor to tell a story. His words are mesmerizing because they are about anyone and everyone, and we can all relate to the characters and situations, even if we don’t want to.

If you haven’t read any of Brandon’s work yet, this is a great place to start. It’s a fantastic collection.


-Sheri White




IT WAITS BELOW by Eric Red (2014 Samhain Publishing / 265 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

A freaky undersea monster on the front cover and the promise of salvaging treasure from an old shipwreck on the back? Well, that hits on all sorts of my interests, so I went into it with high hopes.

I'm very sorry to report that those hopes were dashed even faster and sunk even deeper than anything in the actual book.

I mean, I wouldn't call myself an expert, but I like to think I know a little bit about the abovementioned topics … and there was just so much wrong here … not the least of which being certain rather key factual elements like, oh, the location of the Mariana Trench!

One of the appeals of this kind of story is, or should be, the claustrophobic, trapped, close-quarters nature of shipboard life, especially in the 19th century, and extra-especially on submersibles. Instead, there's the suggestion of all this room to maneuver and explore, giving more of an impression of video game maps than anything close to reality.

Then there were the characters. Or, rather, a whole cast of macho dudes with one token chick. Who also happens to be the sexbomb, regularly in need of rescuing despite author protestations of her badassery, and was so all-too-obviously written by a guy that I facepalmed on behalf of women everywhere. Ugh. The only saving grace was that, at least, she wasn't referred to just by her first name while all the others got last names and/or titles.

The writing was laden with “telling,” coming across more like a director describing what happens in each scene. Instead using simple names and pronouns, it's crammed with clunky beat-you-over-the-head terms to make sure you don't dare forget that so-and-so is “the pilot / the Russian / the Soviet / the Cossack” … stuff like that, throughout the book. Ugh again.

Now, I do love my adjectives, perhaps too much. But even I have to draw the line at strewing “alien/interstellar/extraterrestrial/whatever” several times a page. WE GET IT ALREADY. And I also enjoy a small amount of onomatopoeia, but having the action scenes done with sound effects spelled out all over the place?

It's a comic book in text format, a made-for-SyFy candidate ripping off elements of The Abyss, Deep Rising, Aliens, etc. For a target audience of straight, white, 14-year-old boys, okay, sure, maybe it's a winner. For the rest of us, though? No thanks.

-Christine Morgan





HAMMER WIVES by Carlton Mellick III (2013 Eraserhead Press / 152 pp / trade paperback)

I'd seen a few of these stories in anthologies before (in three of the encyclopedic doorstop book-monsters edited by the awesome John Skipp; great reads, just don't drop them on your foot!), but it was a nice treat to see them again.

“Lemon Knives 'n' Cockroaches” is nastygross even for a zombie story; “War Pig” was pitched as “a steampunk version of Fight Club with werepigs” and doesn't disappoint; and “The Man With The Styrofoam Brain” (previously published as “Stupid ****ing Reason to Sell Your Soul”) is a weirdly twisted look at some unfortunate deals with the devil.

The central showpiece is the title story, “Hammer Wives.” It's a take on one of the classic Gothic tropes, wherein our protagonist is contacted by a distant relation, summoned to the ancestral mansion, and promised a substantial legacy … with, of course, a dark family secret and a catch. The catch is where this one veers off into crazyland, because to claim his inheritance, hapless nephew Jacob also has to marry the immortal hammer-headed women who go with the house … and they are not inclined to take no for an answer. They just want to love him.

Of the other two, I found “Red World” kind of icky (post-apocalyptic-maybe with fish mutants, lake-sized swarms of insects, and shades of red the only visible colors left), but “Strange Machines” (guy discovers he's got a lot of little miniature hims living inside his body) both horrific yet quirkily cute and charming.

-Christine Morgan


PREVIEW:

THE NICKRONOMICON by Nick Mamatas (to be released Nov. 18th 2014 by Innsmouth Free Press / 161 pp / trade paperback & eBook)

One of the things about Lovecraftian fiction is that, well, honestly, some people take that ball and run with it and write it better than Lovecraft himself (this opinion has got me sent to sit in the corner before; I'm guilty of the Chambers Heresy among others).

No, come on, really, hear me out. Ol' HPL gave great concept … he took horror to a whole new level, a cosmic otherworldy level … as a visionary on that scale, I grant you he's pretty much unparalleled … he did good moody setting … but in terms of character, personality, dialogue? Even without touching on his “product of his time” traits? Not his strong point.

Fortunately, that's where the others I mentioned have their chance to shine, and to elevate the otherworldly to levels even beyond that. And, as this collection proves, Nick Mamatas is one of those others. He's not just the laser-scalpel razor-wit sarcastic many of us might have first encountered on this or that message board … the guy can WRITE.

This is some top-tier stuff here. Masterful vocabulary, intriguing characters, story threads interwoven in a subtle but striking tapestry of non-Euclidean geometry, wry humor, an unflinching approach to several problematic elements, and the vitally important ability to poke fun even while being serious … or be serious even while poking fun.

Of the stories assembled here, my personal favorite is “And Then, And Then, And Then ...” because of how its deceptive simplicity carries you along until it's too late to look back, yet the outcome is, for all its weirdness, strangely sweet and touching.

Perhaps the all-around most out-there is “Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Nyarlathotep,” a devious and clever look at why, really, when you think about it, a certain familiar video game could be the ultimate in cosmic horror …

“Jitterbuggin'” is uncomfortable to read, possibly all the more so because it's also kind of vindictively satisfying to read. “Hideous Interview With Brief Man” is difficult to read in an entirely different way; I kept remembering a quote from an online course, something about “And then you're in Footnote Hell, in GERMAN.” Okay, so, this one's not in German, but Footnote Hell in PDF is no picnic either!

By the time you get to the finale, in “On the Occasion of My Retirement,” your brain will have been worked and stretched like silly putty until it's all nice and supple, ready to bend in every weird way. And that's good, because you'll need it that way.

The interior artwork, postcards illustrated with a variety of eldritch imagery and peculiar symbols, is the perfect extra touch. They look so creepy-cool even on the screen that I can only go light-headed at the thought of how they'd look in a nice, aged, yellowed, antiquey volume.

Whether you're a casual reader of Lovecraftian fiction, or a scholarly dissecting pro, this book is a must-have for your shelf!

-Christine Morgan




NEXT WEEK: